Author: Mark Linton

M.C. Escher walks into a bar forever. — @biorhythmist

Neon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here.” Neon doesn’t react. — Chris Wolf

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a blueberry daquari. The bartender thinks it’s some kind of hoax or joke and decides to play along, makes the drink, says, “That’ll be six bucks.” The gorilla reaches into his fur, pulls out a wallet, gives the bartender seven dollars saying, “Six for the drink, and one for you,” and quietly drinks his drink as the bartender looks on, waiting for the catch.

The gorilla finishes the drink, orders another, and the same thing happens. The bartender wants to know what the hell is going on, but doesn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction, so he decides to attempt to ellicit what is going on through casual conversation, maybe trip up the “gorilla.”

The bartender casually comments, “Ya know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla takes a sip from his drink and says, “Well, at 5 bucks for a blueberry daquari, I can see why.”

– pablo snazzy

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar, and the joke unfolds into a tedious cliche in which the Irishman is racially persecuted. — Colbert

A pig walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and says, “Pint of bitter please, and where’s the toilet?” The barman pours his pint and points him in the direction of the toilet. The pig comes back, finishes his pint and leaves.

Later that afternoon, another pig comes in. “Pint of bitter, please,” he says, “and where’s the toilet?”

Once again, the barman serves the pig and shows him where the toilet is. Thye pig pays, drinks up and leaves.

That evening another pig walks in. The barman is ready this time, and says to him, “There’s your pint of bitter, and the toilet’s over there.”

“Thanks for the pint” the pig says, “but I don’t need to use the toilet. I’m the little piggy that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”

— Colbert

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar and order three Guinness. Three flies land on each pint glass at the same time. The Englishman asks the bartender for a new beer. The Scot drinks his. The Irishman grabs the fly by the wings and shakes him screaming, “Spit it out, ya wee bastard!” — Joseph Graf

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

— Daniel Yee

A Frenchman with a big bright green parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, “That’s incredible! Where did you get it?” And the parrot says, “In France. They’ve got millions of them there.” — David Noah