Author: Mark Linton

A duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the bartender and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The bartender says, “No” and the duck leaves.

 

The duck comes back the next day and asks the bartender “Do you have you have any grapes?” The bartender looks really annoyed and says, “No, damn it! This is a bar, not a grocery. Take a hike!” The duck leaves.

 

The next day, the duck comes back yet again and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The bartender says, “For the last time, No! If come back and ask that again, I’ll nail your beak to the bar.” The duck leaves.

 

The duck comes back the next day and asks, “Do you have a hammer?” The bartender looks confused and says, “No.” Then, the duck says, “Oh, good. Do you have any grapes?”

 

— John Garnett

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm. “I’ll have two pints,” he says, “one for me, and one for the road.” — Andrew Bulhak

A rope walks into a bar sits down and says, “Give me a beer.”

The bartender looks him over and says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”

So the rope goes home and ties himself into a knot, and frays one end so it will fall down over the knot and look like hair.

He heads back into the bar, sits down and says, “Give me a beer.”

The bartender starts to pull the beer and as he is about to give the rope the drink, “Hey, aren’t you that rope that was in here just a little while ago?”

“No, I’m a frayed knot.”

— Russel Maxwell

A man walks into a bar, takes out a can of black spray paint, and starts drawing all over the vestibule.
Enraged, the bartender yells at the man, “Get outta here! And never darken my doorway again!” — Greg Jones

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One is assaulted. — Patrick Quinlan

Two guys walk into a bar carrying geese but the third one, ducks. – Paul Gude

A dog walks into a bar and the barman asks it what it wants to drink.

He is fired. — AJ Jefferies

Two hydrogen atoms walk out of a bar. One says, “we gotta go back—I left my electron behind!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m positive!” — Paul Smith

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here.”

The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi!” — ted danson

[Ed: Fixed that for ya.]