Category: humor

A dog walks into a bar with a bloody bandage wrapped around his hand. He stares down the bartender and says, “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.” — Jason Hamrick

A blonde walks into a bar. She is taken to the hospital quickly by ambulance, because head injuries are very serious. — John Ohno

Two blondes walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would have noticed. — John Ohno

A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “Hey, that’s pretty cool. Where’d you get that?”
“Brooklyn,” says the frog, “they’re all over the place there!”

— Larry Gelberg

A byte walks into a bar looking dejected. Bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The byte replies, “I think I have a parity error.” The bartender says, “Yeah, you did look a bit off…” — Mike Marantis

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. A sleazy woman walks up to him and says, “Hey handsome, buy me a drink?” He sneers at her and says, “Madam, I think not” and disappears. — Genevieve Perdue

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Another man walks up to him and says to the first, “Hey. The special of the day lets you defy gravity! Watch!” He walks over to the window, steps out, does a couple of spins in the air and comes back in.

The first man says to the bartender, “I’ll have the special of the day!” The bartender gives him the drink and the man drinks it. He then walks over to the window, steps out and plummets to his death.

The bartender says, “Superman. You can be a real jerk when you are drunk!”

— Ken Livingston

A duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the bartender and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The bartender says, “No” and the duck leaves.

 

The duck comes back the next day and asks the bartender “Do you have you have any grapes?” The bartender looks really annoyed and says, “No, damn it! This is a bar, not a grocery. Take a hike!” The duck leaves.

 

The next day, the duck comes back yet again and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The bartender says, “For the last time, No! If come back and ask that again, I’ll nail your beak to the bar.” The duck leaves.

 

The duck comes back the next day and asks, “Do you have a hammer?” The bartender looks confused and says, “No.” Then, the duck says, “Oh, good. Do you have any grapes?”

 

— John Garnett

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm. “I’ll have two pints,” he says, “one for me, and one for the road.” — Andrew Bulhak

A rope walks into a bar sits down and says, “Give me a beer.”

The bartender looks him over and says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”

So the rope goes home and ties himself into a knot, and frays one end so it will fall down over the knot and look like hair.

He heads back into the bar, sits down and says, “Give me a beer.”

The bartender starts to pull the beer and as he is about to give the rope the drink, “Hey, aren’t you that rope that was in here just a little while ago?”

“No, I’m a frayed knot.”

— Russel Maxwell