Brush Valley Brewer

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar, and the joke unfolds into a tedious cliche in which the Irishman is racially persecuted. — Colbert

A pig walks into a bar. He goes up to the barman and says, “Pint of bitter please, and where’s the toilet?” The barman pours his pint and points him in the direction of the toilet. The pig comes back, finishes his pint and leaves.

Later that afternoon, another pig comes in. “Pint of bitter, please,” he says, “and where’s the toilet?”

Once again, the barman serves the pig and shows him where the toilet is. Thye pig pays, drinks up and leaves.

That evening another pig walks in. The barman is ready this time, and says to him, “There’s your pint of bitter, and the toilet’s over there.”

“Thanks for the pint” the pig says, “but I don’t need to use the toilet. I’m the little piggy that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”

— Colbert

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar and order three Guinness. Three flies land on each pint glass at the same time. The Englishman asks the bartender for a new beer. The Scot drinks his. The Irishman grabs the fly by the wings and shakes him screaming, “Spit it out, ya wee bastard!” — Joseph Graf

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

— Daniel Yee

A Frenchman with a big bright green parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, “That’s incredible! Where did you get it?” And the parrot says, “In France. They’ve got millions of them there.” — David Noah

Some bacon, eggs, and toast walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and yells, “Get out! We don’t serve breakfast!” — Julia Notar

A dog walks into a bar with a bloody bandage wrapped around his hand. He stares down the bartender and says, “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.” — Jason Hamrick

A blonde walks into a bar. She is taken to the hospital quickly by ambulance, because head injuries are very serious. — John Ohno

Two blondes walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would have noticed. — John Ohno