A man walks into a bar, takes out a can of black spray paint, and starts drawing all over the vestibule.
Enraged, the bartender yells at the man, “Get outta here! And never darken my doorway again!” — Greg Jones
Two Peanuts Walk Into a Bar
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One is assaulted. — Patrick Quinlan
Two Guys Walk Into a Bar
Two guys walk into a bar carrying geese but the third one, ducks. – Paul Gude
A Dog Walks Into a Bar
A dog walks into a bar and the barman asks it what it wants to drink.
He is fired. — AJ Jefferies
Two Hydrogen Atoms Walk Out of a Bar
Two hydrogen atoms walk out of a bar. One says, “we gotta go back—I left my electron behind!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!” — Paul Smith
A Mushroom Walks Into a Bar
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here.”
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi!” — ted danson
[Ed: Fixed that for ya.]
Some Bacteria Walk Into a Bar
Some bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t allow bacteria in here!” The bacteria reply, “Yes you do — we’re staph!” — Lorie Johnson
A Horse Walks Into a Bar
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave because they can see the potential danger in the situation. — Robin Green
White House Rickrolls Twitter User
@wiggsd Sorry to hear that. Fiscal policy is important, but can be dry sometimes. Here’s something more fun: http://t.co/ca31My7 #WHChatless than a minute ago via web 
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A Neutron Walks Into a Bar
A neutron walks into a bar, and says, “Bartender, a round for everyone on me. How much is that?” The bartender says, “No charge.” — Ian Monroe